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My Best Tweets - Dilbert Blog

My Best Tweets

I have been testing jokes and content over on Twitter at @ScottAdamsSays. I pulled together the most popular ones so you can see what types of content people respond to the best, at least from me. Is there a pattern?

Also, most of the Robots Read News experimental comics will appear there as well in case your corporate firewall is blocking this blog.

My Best Tweets (according to Twitter users)

Political

If you belong to an organized political group, don’t expect people to take your opinions seriously. No one cares when a sheep burps.

While no one was paying attention, weather reports became accurate and the news became fiction. Did not see that coming.

Relationships

What is the protocol when you discover that your soul mate has an identical twin? 

 Study says husbands who do more household chores get more sex. Fails to mention that having more sex creates more cleaning chores. No win.

Tip for gentlemen: If a woman offers herself to you, maintain a straight face and say “What’s in it for me?”

Guys: If you ask a woman on a date and she says “possibly,” act optimistic and immediately make other plans.

I stopped shaving because I read that women are attracted to beard stubble. Not sure if women like all forms of laziness or just that one.

Stop calling unmarried people “single” as if they are incomplete. I prefer spouse-free. It is not a coincidence we are the new majority.

Autocorrect: A technology used by artificial intelligence to cock-block humans.

Getting married because you are in love is sort of like drowning yourself because you like beverages.

Is it rude to interrupt someone who is texting and start a conversation?

Arguing with Idiots

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. 

The presence of the word “deserve” is a sure sign a conversation won’t go well.

Tip: If you are in a conversation with someone who unexpectedly asks “Why are you attacking me?” … run away. Don’t even explain. 

World’s shortest IQ test: “What percentage of your reality do you understand?” Grading: The higher the percentage the lower the IQ.

If you can’t construct a coherent argument for the other side, you probably don’t understand your own opinion.

If you think God wants people to suffer in the last month of their illness, that’s a mental problem not a religious point of view.

Dumbest 1-star review for God’s Debris says it is only good for people who have not taken a college philosophy 101 class. So… 99% of world?

Business, Leadership, Workplace

If at first you fail, try telling your boss you changed your objective.

Leadership is a great thing to do to others and a terrible thing to have happen to you.

I knew a guy with passion to be a pro golfer and the brain to be a great accountant. He followed his passion. He’s homeless now. 

Salesman: These mattresses are hand-made! Me: Can you show me the good ones made by robots?

Bank said by phone it takes ten days to issue new credit card. I said it is 2015 where I am and asked what decade I had called.

My grandfather used to give me a quarter whenever I visited him on the farm. It taught me a valuable lesson about being underpaid.

Screw the early bird that gets the worm. The real winners are the early worms that do their worming and leave before the shit goes down.

Joke Wisdom

As Mark Twain said to his dentist, man is the only animal that brushes. Or needs to. 

Time is money. Money is power. Power corrupts. So don’t give anyone your time because it will corrupt them.

Why can’t we all just get along? I blame you. 

I tell people that money can’t buy happiness just to reduce the odds of being robbed. 

Be modest in all things. Because feeling good about yourself is ridiculous. Stop being competent where innocent people can see it. 

Which category did you think was my best?

Scott – @scottadamssays

In other news, machines can now reprogram human brains using electricity. (Let that sink in for a minute.) A company named Cortera might be able to “reprogram” depression right out of your physical brain. I would call this technology mind-blowing, especially if the amperage is too high.

And all of the excitement about 3D printers won’t amount to much unless someone makes one that prints a hundred times faster. But it looks as if that might be around the corner. Check out this game-changer.

My book on success: “I feel the best I have ever felt after reading a book.” –  Puget Sound Paralegal  (Amazon 5-star review Feb 20, 2015)