I’ve noticed that a lot of people are struggling to come up with creative ways to insult me on Twitter. As a public service, I will organize the common approaches in this post so people can insult me by number.
1. Act like you think I draw Garfield or another comic you think is not funny.
2. Proclaim that I am the pointy-haired boss from Dilbert. (Assume a million people haven’t already told me the same thing.)
3. Label me irrelevant.
4. Note that Dilbert used to be funny but now it is just sad, like its creator.
5. Make a fake Dilbert comic and have the characters mock their misinterpretations of my opinions in a way that you mistake for satire.
6. Tweet a quote from me that is out of context so it mischaracterizes my opinions.
7. Ask what could anyone expect from a cartoonist that you believe to be a misogynist because you didn’t understand something he wrote.
8. State your professional medical opinion that I am a narcissist.
9. Say you didn’t know I was such a (insert word for penis) until you read my blog and Twitter posts.
10. Display your lack of understanding of the word “fascist” by calling me one.
11. “Don’t quit your day job.”
12. Do a “Point by point” “take-down” of my blog post in which you misunderstand each point individually and argue against your misinterpretations while blaming me for all of it.
13. Take time out of your day to tell me I am not important.
14. Say you regret ever purchasing Dilbert products and have discarded the ones you have.
15. Accuse me of having a “meltdown” because I was bored and responded to some Tweets.
16. Imagine I’m doing something I’m not and then mock that imaginary thing with sarcasm as if it has anything to do with me.
17. Pretend you are too smart to be duped the way I have duped other people. Add sarcasm to make it sound smarter.
18. Signal that you are experiencing cognitive dissonance because my opinion makes you feel dumb and that violates your self-image as smart. Use the following structure to signal that you are in cognitive dissonance:
[Wow] + [sarcasm] and/or [Insult]
[OMG] + [sarcasm] and/or [Insult]
[LOL] + [sarcasm] and/or [Insult]
[Bruh] + [sarcasm] and/or [Insult]
[So…] + [misstatement of my opinion] + [sarcasm]
Importantly, do not include any rational argument or links to websites.
19. Observe that it is obvious from my recent actions that I have gone insane or am experiencing a mental breakdown.
20. Point out that my age makes everything I do seem “creepy.”
21. Say you are looking forward to the day I am publicly embarrassed (for whatever reason) so you can water your lawn with my tears.
22. Publically question my sanity because of the time you didn’t understand my point.
23. Call me thin-skinned whenever I am having fun mocking my critics online.
24. Declare that someone else “owned” me with their clever comments because you are a reliable judge of such things.
25. Willfully misinterpret my writing so you can mock your own misinterpretation and blame me for it.
26. Call me dumb. No further explanation needed.
27. Declare whatever I say to be hilarious and provide no clues as to why you have a different opinion.
28. Use sarcasm instead of reason because you can’t tell the difference.
I will update the list as I see new ones.
If you like insulting me, you will love my book because it has lots of words in it.