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How Not to Buy a Chevy Truck - Dilbert Blog

How Not to Buy a Chevy Truck

I’ve been trying for several months to buy a Chevy Truck, for a variety of functional and recreational purposes. 

It turns out you can’t do that. Yes, I was surprised too.

To be fair, I do see people buying Chevy trucks all the time, but I call them victims, not customers. That’s different than what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to identify the truck I want, then buy it, without being a victim. I’m aiming for more of a “customer” situation.

You think that’s easy?

Try looking at the thousands of options for each truck. Then notice how little you know about each option. The infinite options guarantee that you will feel bad about whatever you pick. Science says people get anxious when they have too many choices. Chevy gives you infinite choices for features, and most of those choices matter, because trucks are tools. So there’s no real way to be happy about buying a truck because you’ll always think you could have done better picking options. And you would be right. No one can pick the right feature set out of a million options. So buyer’s remorse is guaranteed at step one, before you even start.

Okay, you’re laughing because all I need to do is speak to a wise truck salesperson at the dealership who can shortcut all of the options and tell me what I need. 

Good luck with that. What you get is one salesperson after another who admits not knowing much about…trucks. Or truck options. At least they are honest about that part.

One salesperson told me I needed a certain size engine for my needs. The next one told me that particular engine would be a huge mistake, and that I needed a diesel engine instead, and much bigger. Which of the two wise salespersons was right? Answer: They were both guessing/lying.

At some point in the impossible process I decided to buy whatever-the-fuck-truck was on the lot at the nearest dealership that at least met my basic requirements.

Guess how that went?

Me: At minimum, I need features A, B, and C.

Dealer (on phone or email): We totally have that. Come in and drive it.

When you get there, the dealer sheepishly admits that truck was in the database but apparently already sold. He can order one for you, but you have to commit to buying it without driving it first, otherwise it is impractical for them to bring it from another dealer. 

Sometimes the salesperson tells you he has a truck with features A, B, and C to lure you in and try to sell you a truck with only one or two of those features. At first it seems absurd, but they try to wear you down.

Me: I need A, B, and C.

Salesperson: How about this one?

Me: Does it have A, B, and C?

Salesperson: No. How about this one over here?

Me: Does it have A, B, and C?

Salesperson: No. But I can totally get that from another dealer. Here’s one in my database.

Me: Does that truck in your database have A, B, and C?

Salesperson: No.

Have any of you successfully bought a truck from a Chevy dealer and got the features you wanted? Please tell me how to do that. I have comments turned off, but if you have a suggestion on how to buy a Chevy truck – that I can test drive first – please tell me the secret at dilbertcartoonist@gmail.com.

Update: Even the Chevy.com website bait-and-switched me. I asked for features A, B, and C and it said two local trucks matched my requirements. The trucks were a different cabin type.