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Hypnotizing You to Have the Best New Year’s Day Ever (Part 3) - Dilbert Blog

Hypnotizing You to Have the Best New Year’s Day Ever (Part 3)

Warning: Do NOT read further unless you have already read Part 1. This post involves real hypnosis on the reader, and it is intended for adults only.

Today I will address those of you who are turned OFF by this blog series. In hypnosis class we learned that some personality types have a reflex to reject any outside suggestion. When a trained hypnotist recognizes that personality type, he sometimes proposes the opposite of what he wants. That is what you will watch me do today.

In Part 1 of this series I told you that explaining my method while I do it does not have any impact on the result, except sometimes to strengthen it by increasing my credibility. This will be the most striking example of that. I am literally going to tell some of you to do the opposite of what I want you to do, and at the same time I am telling you why I am doing it.

So today I am only talking to the perhaps 20% of you who were turned off by this series. Obviously I know the messenger (me) has something to do with that reaction, but the bigger part is that some of you simply resist being told what to do. Always. you dislike the feeling of other people “controlling” you in any way whatsoever. And now you believe that your reflex to say no to everything is your sense of reason. I’ll say that again.

For about 20% of you, your reflex to say no to everything is what you believe is your sense of reason. And no one, including me, can talk you out of that.

So I won’t.

Instead, I would like those of you who feel turned-off by this series to stay celibate until at least January 2nd. If you get a chance to have sex between now and then, I am now hypnotizing you to resist it. For the turned-off readers only, stay away from any sexual pleasure during that time. The rest of us will be having the best New Year’s celebration of our lives, or maybe just one of the best. But probably the best. None of that is for you this year. You can enjoy the food and friends and music, but keep your pants on. Keep your body chemistry on chill and do NOT let your natural biological impulses accumulate over time until you crave relief. So hold those sexual impulses in, please, while the rest of us enjoy our next few days like it is the best New Year’s ever, or one of the top three, but probably the best.

If you’re healthy, it might be difficult for you to go without an orgasm for several days. But I have confidence in you. You can reject these hypnosis suggestions because you succeed at this sort of thing 100% of the time and you know it. You got this. Stay strong and ignore the sexual impulses that have allowed humanity to populate the earth and survive millions of years of evolution. That stuff is no match for your willpower.

During the day today, and tomorrow, try to ignore all of the sexual cues in your environment. When you see a hot dog, or a cigar, don’t make any automatic associations in your mind. If you see a train entering a tunnel, think of it as nothing but transportation. 

Things might get harder around New Year’s Eve if you venture out. You’ll see a lot of horny people dressing in ways that are intended to awaken your sexual desires. You might see some of the hottest men and women in your area dressed to trigger your sexual desires. Don’t let it happen. And on New Year’s eve, when you see beautiful people wrap their lips around noisemakers and blow, think only of the random calendar day that you are celebrating.

Good luck with that. I think you know there is a 100% chance that you will succeed. And I am the best in the world at predicting things, as you know. So really, there is no chance I am wrong. If this blog series was a turn-off to you, you will stay totally uninterested in sex until January 2nd. I think we are agreed on that.

In Part 2 of this series I addressed the 30-50% of you who prefer a submissive role in the bedroom. Today I addressed the approximately 20% of you who say no to everything, by reflex. Tomorrow I will talk to the rest of you. 

I saved the best for last.

It’s gonna change your life.

I’m leaving out the commercial stuff for this series because it wouldn’t be sporting to include it.