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Hypnotizing You to Have the Best New Year’s Day Ever (Part 1) - Dilbert Blog

Hypnotizing You to Have the Best New Year’s Day Ever (Part 1)

Warning: What follows is real hypnosis (without the trance). You should NOT read further unless you would like to have the best orgasms of your life on New Year’s Eve and the following day, with or without a partner. This method will work for both men and women. There will be no “dirty talk” involved, but this is intended for adults only.

Please consider this as my way of saying thank you for reading this blog. 

What to Expect: If you take this journey, and continue to read my blog this week, expect to feel almost nothing at first. The impact will intensify as the week progresses. Hypnosis is a cumulative thing. Imagine starting with a small quantity and doubling it every day. The last doubling is the big one.

This plan will only work if you want it to work, and that is true of hypnosis in general. But in this case, I don’t know anyone who objects to having a great day.

As a public service, I will show you my hypnosis techniques as I employ them. Expect to learn a lot.

Rule 1: Your first lesson is that explaining the technique doesn’t have any effect on the result. You would think that telling you my “tricks” would negate them, but the opposite will happen. In part because…

Rule 2: The subject has to EXPECT the hypnosis to work. That means setting the stage of credibility. I could not have written this post without you first seeing how well the Master Persuader filter  has predicted Trump’s climb in the polls. For those of you who are watching that spectacle come together, you already know I have credibility in this field. 

In hypnosis school we learned that you get better results when you charge for your hypnosis services. The act of exchanging money influences the subject to believe that hypnosis is credible. It also helps if the hypnotist has a professional office with some diplomas on the wall, years of experience, a pleasing appearance, and an air of confidence. The details are less important than the fact you are establishing your credibility in some way.

Thanks to my Trump blogging, most of you are reading this with a sense that the fields of hypnosis and persuasion are far more powerful than you imagined. I can confirm that the secrets you are about to learn are so hard to believe that I haven’t been able to communicate them for years. It simply doesn’t sound true unless you have some appreciation for the Moist Robot Hypothesis, which regular readers of this blog now have. Having established my credibility, I am now free to communicate effectively.

When Donald Trump wrote his book, The Art of the Deal, he set the stage for every negotiation of his that followed, including running for president. That book was a bestseller, and it makes anyone who negotiates with him expect he will get the better deal. So he does. Setting expectations is a huge part of influence. 

Rule 3: In hypnosis (and influence in general) never tell someone they will feel an experience unless you are sure it will happen. Otherwise you lose the credibility you need for the process to work. 

By now you are thinking this hypnosis series probably won’t cause you to have incredible orgasms by the end of the week, but you are curious what I’m up to. 

Rule 4: The sentence above is hypnosis. The most powerful technique for creating a connection between subject and hypnosist involves the hypnotist making an educated and correct guess about what the subject is thinking as they are thinking it. This blurs the distinction between your mind and my mind. You feel we are on the same wavelength. It makes you comfortable that I know your thoughts and approve of them, which I do.

Rule 5: Everyone wants approval. They want it badly, and adults almost never get it during a typical week. Humans, like animals, can be trained to respond almost by reflex to “treats.” Approval is the ultimate treat for a human.

Rule 6: In hypnosis it is permissible, and often advantageous, to use pseudo-logic to form connections in the subject’s mind. For example, later in this post I am going to explain the biological basis for why many of you will have the best New Year’s experience of your lives, if not the best experience of all time – certainly one of the most memorable. But probably also the best.

Rule 7: Did you notice I was “talking past the sale” right there? I caused you to wonder if you will have the best day of your life or just one of the best. Or maybe it will just be the most memorable. But it could be both. (I did it again because…)

Rule 8: Repetition is reality. Whatever you think about the most will rise in importance and “truth” in your mind. There is a good reason Trump repeats himself so much. Some of his method involves making you think past the sale, and some is simple repetition.

Now I will explain why this will work, from a biological perspective. As I explained in Rule 6, don’t get too hung up on my logic or the science of what follows. This is intended for effect, not accuracy. In other words, what follows is constructed to sound true, as long as you don’t think about it too deeply. To influence another person, often you have to provide a “reason,” but science tells us the reason can simply sound like a reason and people respond as if the reason made sense. (Example: Every bad idea from every politician.)

So here we go.

The main goal of any species is survival and reproduction. And to that end, we have evolved to prefer mates with some sort of genetic advantage. But the interesting thing is that there are several types of genetic advantages, and all of them work for some types of people. You might crave a dumb mate with perfect muscle structure, or a brilliant mate who is not physically fit. Or maybe you are attracted to ambitious mates, or powerful mates. We evolved to look for any individual traits of reproductive advantage, not to find all of those traits in any one person. What matters to the species is that we acquire lots of good traits on average, not that your specific marriage goes well. 

Anyway, the point is that our sex drives are activated when we encounter people who are smart, ambitious, successful, talented, confident, or unusually fit. Any of those traits activate our sex drives by reflex. So make sure you are operating in an arena that shows off your best trait, as I am right now.

For the hetero men reading this, my writing does not activate your sex drive. But for the few women reading this, my language skills activate your sex drive, and I know it. (Rule 4). Expect me to use that knowledge during the week.

But what about the straight men reading this blog? What’s in it for them?

Answer: Tools

By the end of the week, your persuasion skills will be off the chart, for both business and personal use. The prospect of acquiring this power will cause your testosterone to surge. For men, that’s usually all we need. The reason men get “morning wood” is because testosterone is highest in the morning. Expect to be raging by the end of the week, even more than usual, because of the power you are about to acquire, and how that boosts your testosterone.

Rule 9: Intention is powerful. When people know your intention, without doubt, it makes them comfortable. My intention is for each of you to notice over the course of this week any changes to your physical state of arousal. You probably won’t notice much, or anything, today. But later in the week you will start to see things that remind you of sex more often than usual. That’s your first tell.

Rule 10: Predicting a subject’s future tell – and being right – is a powerful method of persuasion. It builds credibility.

Here I am employing a bit of a magic trick to accomplish Rule 10. My suggestion that you will be more often reminded of sex this week is self-fulfilling. I am causing the change I am predicting. Putting the thought in your mind that you will have a wet, throbbing week ahead causes you to notice sexual suggestions in the environment that you might have missed before. (Some call this effect reticular activation, also known as the reason you can hear your name in a room full of noise.)

Good luck concentrating today. Tomorrow will be even better. And by Thursday night, well, it might be one of the best New Year’s celebrations of your life. Or one of the best. Probably in the top three. 😉