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Why You Should Vote for Me - Dilbert Blog

Why You Should Vote for Me

People keep asking if I’m really running for president or just joking. I’m not running in the sense of wanting the job. Being president looks hard. My current job is far easier and it pays better. I can work in my pajamas, and my risk of assassination is relatively low. It would be more accurate to say I’m like your emergency option for president, in case the major parties are offering you nothing but a guaranteed slide toward economic doom. As a service to my country, I offer myself as your only viable alternative.

I will assume for now that the pundits are correct, and Obama will face Romney in the coming election. Both of those guys are smarter than I am. They’re also more experienced. They’re taller, better looking, and they have excellent hair. They also have much, much better character. So why would you vote for me? Let’s run through the reasons.

Definition of Insanity: They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Voting for either Obama or Romney will give you the same government you have now, more or less. I might be a worse president than either of them, or perhaps far better. The only thing you know for sure is that I’d be different. So if you think the path we’re on is leading to certain economic doom, your smartest strategy is to try something – anything – different.  The major parties will make sure your only choices are more of the same. Even another independent candidate will be some version of the same thing.

Public Debate: I’ll host televised public debates on our domestic policy options, in an entertaining fashion.  And I’ll interrupt and humiliate participants who ignore the known facts and the best science. I’ll make it my job to provide the public with useful information, in proper context, and free of politics. You won’t get that from the other candidates. In today’s world, voting and guessing is almost the same thing. The major political parties have a strong interest in keeping voters ignorant. I’ll change that.

Revenge on Congress: According to the polls, most of you think Congress needs a kick in the ass. Neither Romney nor Obama are likely to do much about Congress except gripe about it in a general way. And neither man will complain about his own party. After I finish a few of my public debates as President, I’ll go after individual members of Congress that are favoring politics over the facts. I’ll bring accountability to Congress if I can. At the very least, I’ll shine the light of shame on the worst cockroaches in both parties and make them scurry. You’ll enjoy watching it.

Smaller Government: If you like Ron Paul’s ideas for smaller government, and Paul doesn’t end up in the race, I’m your next best choice. I’ll come up with a blueprint for reducing government by at least half in a generation. In some cases that means using technology in smarter ways. In other cases, we can test the elimination of federal government functions in selected states and measure the results. No one will disagree with a gradual and rational plan to shrink government over a generation. Obviously Congress can thwart any long term plan, but doing so will put politicians in the position of voting against an established blueprint for smaller government, and that would be politically dangerous. I know that Ron Paul supporters would like some sort of quicker slashing of government, but realistically, it has to be a gradual process.

Foreign Policy: Foreign policy will be about the same no matter who you elect. I don’t second guess President Obama because I don’t have access to the secret information he sees every day. You probably shouldn’t base your vote on foreign policy because you don’t have access to secret information either.

Budget: The first of my public debates will be on the topic of how much federal debt is too much, and whether raising taxes helps or hurts in the long run. I won’t support any budget or tax plan until the majority of interested citizens understand the general economics of government debt, and tax policy, and agree in general on the best path forward.

If the budget debates don’t create a useful consensus, I’ll support what I call the Default Budget Plan, which involves a 10% increase in every federal tax and a 10% cut in every federal budget area. That plan would be painful for everyone, and that’s the point. I’ll challenge Congress to come up with something better.

Scandal: I will stipulate in advance that any rumors you hear about me, scandalous or not, are 100% true. In reality, probably only half of them will be true. My advice for you is to assume everything you hear about me is accurate.  If you believe I once murdered a hobo, but on the other hand, my idea of televised public debates is a good one, I’m still your best choice for president. I’m not your role model.

Religion: If you want a president who promotes freedom of religion, choose a non-believer such as me. Think of it like a eunuch guarding a harem. I won’t try to convert you to my belief system because I don’t have one. Some of the people I respect the most are believers of one sort or another. I’m in favor of whatever works in your personal life. But I prefer science over belief when it comes to government.

War on Drugs: Both Romney and Obama will waste huge amounts of your money on the war on drugs. You don’t want your neighbor’s kid to do drugs, but if he does, do you want to pay your hard earned money to put him in jail? I’m guessing no.

Supreme Court: Some people say the only real difference a president makes is in his or her choices for the Supreme Court. I’ll nominate qualified people who are likely to mirror the majority opinion in the country in terms of political leaning. I wouldn’t try to pick judges that matched my own views. So if you want to influence the Supreme Court, get to work influencing your fellow citizens. I’ll even host some public debates on topics such as abortion and privacy and whatever else is a hot button. I’ll help the country decide what sort of Supreme Court nominees it wants and then I’ll follow that lead.

That’s what you’ll get with me as your president. I hope you don’t like what I have to offer because I prefer the job I have.