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Better Husband App - Dilbert Blog

Better Husband App

I wonder if you could build an app that would help husbands pretend to be thoughtful and caring. For example, one feature might automatically start every text message to your wife with “I’m sorry, honey …”

You might think an apology is only necessary when you’ve done something wrong. That’s how bad husbands think. Good husbands understand that there are only two possible states:

1.       Already in trouble.

2.       Blundering into a trap.

Let’s say your wife texts you and asks you to pick up milk on the way home from work. You assume you have done nothing wrong and therefore, logically, an apology is unnecessary. Moreover, you think your wife should be thanking you for running this errand. But watch how the “I’m sorry honey” at the beginning of your text response alerts you to the trap and steers you toward the illusion of husbandly thoughtfulness.

Your Text Response:I’m sorry, honey…  I should have noticed this morning that we were low on milk.”

Or…

You:I’m sorry, honey, but I can’t remember which kind of milk we use even though I have seen it ten thousand times.”

Without the “I’m sorry, honey” prompt you might inadvertently text your actual thoughts. And that might go something like this:

You: “Maybe you can do that tomorrow when you get the other groceries. The kids’ bones won’t dissolve overnight.”

The Better Husband App could also include a timer to remind you when it’s time to compliment your wife. The app could even suggest clever ways to word your compliments so you don’t fall into a trap such as this one.

You: “You look sensational today, honey.”

Wife:Today?

A smarter compliment is the indirect method. You embed your compliment in what seems to be an entirely different topic. Example:

You: “Why do all of your girlfriends look so much older than you? Is it because they don’t know how to work out?”

What other features should the Better Husband App have?